How to Deliver Feedback Without Being an A**hole

The No A**hole Rule

Robert Sutton is the author of "The No A**hole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t." In an HBR piece, he said "The reason I wrote this book is that demeaning people do terrible damage to others and to their companies."

In cultural currencies, these people create more invisible and visible costs than the heroic value they might bring to the organization. We have a social responsibility to the integrity of our organizational values to make sure these people are coached or offboarded.

Toxic Feedback and a Fixed Mindset

We coach leaders who work with people who think they're a**holes. And it doesn't take 360s to make this clear to them. It is an assessment based on first-hand experience of toxic feedback. Toxic feedback, aside from being functionally useless, provokes fixed mindsets. A fixed mindset is a flawed belief that we can't learn something new in a specific area of challenge. This mindset damages performance and career development.

Toxic feedback sends the message that there is something wrong with you, you are to blame for this, and there is no one here to actively build your confidence in yourself. It shifts people from agency to victimhood.

Language conveying messages like: "I don’t think you’re working to your potential," "This will no longer be tolerated," and "You have to immediately stop doing this" are classic examples of toxic feedback statements. They are toxic because instead of being actionably useful and growth-building, they evoke feelings of shame, blame, defensiveness, fear, non-belonging, being unsupported and targeted, self-distrust, resentment, and urgency to job search.

These leaders typically have no idea they deliver toxic feedback. They are often shocked at the insinuation. They have no idea how learning occurs. Instead, they work from the completely inaccurate assumption that bullying is a necessary requirement for learning. 

Leadership From Respect, Not Bullying

We look at leadership as a relationship, not a position. Leaders lead more from either the humility of respect or the arrogance of bullying. Respect leaves people feeling hopeful, confident, engaged, and committed to their own growth. Bullying leaves people feeling hopeless, lost, disengaged, and committed to resisting growth because it implies learning which requires experimenting. Bullying brings out the worst in people; respect brings out the best. 

Leaders' Words Have An Impact

Every word we speak as a leader has a metabolic impact on how others feel--about themselves, us, and their potential for growth. A single word activates a commitment or resistance to their own growth.

Five Ways to Deliver Feedback

Here are five examples of ways to deliver feedback without being an a**hole.

1. Ask people what they consider quality feedback with language like "What makes feedback useful and not useful for you?" This creates a sense of agency for them and gives us clues into what valuable feedback would be for them.
   
2. Offer feedback as ideas. Use language like "I have some ideas on this." The word feedback can be negatively emotionally charged whereas ideas don’t.
   
3. Ask what ideas they might have for you as a leader. Use language like "I'm always interested in ideas to help develop as a trusted leader, so let me know if you ever have any ideas." People irresistibly respect leaders who are transparent and humble.
   
4. Talk about strengths. Try language like "What are some of your strengths that could make this easier and better for you?"
   
5. Share your intentions for the feedback. When people know what you're intending through delivering feedback, they're more likely to receive it well. Something like "I want to share some feedback with you because I care about your growth and I see so much possibility for you here."
   

These have a tendency to feel respectful, caring, and trust-building. They directly contradict the perception of the leader as an a**hole. Most importantly, they open space for people to connect with a growth mindset which makes a difference. And it’s 100% about their language.

Permanent Change

The most important message here is that people assessed as a**holes are often people with good intentions. They simply have no idea how human development works. When they do, as we see in coaching, they are changed forever.

If you’re looking for more help delivering feedback, send us an email or book a time to chat further. We love problem-solving with you!

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